SkyMall Explained

Desktop Fingerprint Security

SkyMall says:

NEW! Access and protect personal data with the swipe of your finger!

Swipe your finger over this reader to access your password-protected web accounts and protect your personal data. You will no longer need to remember multiple passwords! This device also lets you instantly launch frequently used applications and more. Works with PCs and Macs (features vary). 

We say:

Another way for computer scientists to give “the finger” to the digitless.

Price: $49.99
Buy it on SkyMall: click here

Big Foot Garden Sculpture

SkyMall says:

With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot- tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style! With alleged sightings the world over from the highest Himalayas to the northwest United States, this elusive, mythical legend has been captured exclusively for toscano in quality designer resin and finely hand-painted for startling realism. (12 lbs.) 19 1/2″ W x 19″ D x28 1/2″ H.

We say:

Holy shit, Terry!  Watch out!  Jesus Christ, Bigfoot is right behind you!  Oh, wait…wait a second, Terry, I think you’re…I think you’ll be okay.  It’s just a sculpture.  I think.  Why did you put a sculpture of a sasquatch in your garden?  I mean, your rose garden is so nice.  Even without that statue.  And I’m sure the view from the veranda would be improved without his hairy ass staring everyone in the face.

What?  No, Terry, I don’t find it very romantic, and I can’t believe that…Terry, what are you doing?  Terry, get up.  You’re just embarrassing yourself.  Terry, I…no, Terry…Terry.  Oh, Terry.  That is very sweet of you.  But no.  Look, we are good friends and I enjoy your company and the occasional Sasquatch joke.  But I can’t marry you.  I’m sorry.  I’m just…I’m sorry.

No, no thank you, I’ve had enough sweet tea.  Look, Terry.  I think I should go.

Price: $98.95

Buy it on SkyMall: click here

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

SkyMall says:

Baby will light up the holidays in our adorable star bunting, made of soft, cozy fleece with metallic gold trim and appliqué that feels as wonderful as it looks. It’s charming, yes, but practical, too: the hooded bunting goes on and off easily, features a handy Velcro closure, and eliminates the need for a hat and mittens.  

We say:

Yummy.

Pet Safety Harness

SkyMall says:

Our new Pet Safety Harness features a patented design to secure your dog in the back seat to help avoid injury during sudden stops or an accident. This unique vest is designed to fit comfortably around your dog’s chest. Simply adjust the super strong ballistic nylon straps for a custom fit. The seat belt latch attaches directly to your vechicle’s [sic] seat belt mechanism. Available in red/black for XS and S size dogs or in silver/black for M, L, XL dogs.

We say:

SkyMall believes the abuses endured by rescued greyhounds shouldn’t end once they’ve been adopted by “loving” families. This “safety harness” gives one’s pet the look (and experience) of a convict in transit. In addition to the embarrassing, unflattering colors that have produced the tail-tucking, watery-eyed shame you see above, the vest features a heavy Kevlar-like bulk that will prevent one’s pet from looking out of the window and “ballistic” straps designed to immobilize one’s pet in the event that it tries to escape from a hot car on a summer day. The owners of this particular pet may also think about purchasing a pair of nail clippers for Fido.

Price: $69.95
Buy it on SkyMall: click here

Multi Cultural Watch

SkyMall says:

It”s “time” to “face” the facts this is the most unique, most colorful, most adorable watch you’ve ever seen. Each face on the band is a handmade polymer clay bead, and the faces are all hand painted. 7 1/2″ long.

We say:

This ugly (and possibly racist) watch helps crazy art teachers tell time for sixty dollars.

Price: $59.00
Buy it on SkyMall: click here

Make Your Passenger Seat Your Office

SkyMall says:

These workstations strap to the seat with the existing seat belt and provide a non-slip writing surface, a hanging file section and space for a laptop and accessories. Lightweight at just 19 lbs. yet the rugged styrene stand up to years of use. Made in USA. (Express Model imported.) Not for use while driving.

We say:

Remember when those bums at the State House made it illegal to drive while talking on the phone? Well fuck them. Let’s see how those losers at the Highway Safety Board react to you sending a fax, typing a memo, and filing all those old unpaid traffic tickets from the comfort of your own car while going 80 mph alone in the carpool lane.

Price: $129.95-$349.95
Buy it on SkyMall: click here

An Amazing Idea - Reborn

A few years ago Trevor and I (my name is Virgil) had an amazing plan.  We wanted to let you all know about the great things for sale on SkyMall and explain them to you.

I got the idea in late August of 2008, and we started working on it in early September of that year.  

The idea was a happy mix of unbridled desire to be internet famous, a love for SkyMall, and a blatant willingness to steal an idea from Marmaduke Explained.  In other words, saying Joe Mathlete’s classic blog inspired this one would be the same as saying the kid who sat next to me in Chemistry inspired me to get the exact same score as him on every exam.

We launched SkyMallExplained.com a few weeks later and over the past 17 months put together a grand total of six great posts.

Well, we are going to give it another try - but here on tumblr.

We figure that the viral nature of this doohicky might make more people look at our posts, tell us we are cool, and provide the attention and positive reinforcement any wannabe internet celebrity craves.

Our goal - more posts than 6 in 17 months.

To get us started, we are just reposting our classics (all we have done) to try to build up a following of like 12 people.

Enjoy!